These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS

ACBL Masterpoint Rranking

Hi,
Here are the requirements to the ranks for the ACBL.
Some people may like to know how they are rated.
To get Masterpoints you must play in club duplicate games, sectional, regionals, or National Tournaments. If you have any questions or do nor understand please feel free to comment and ask them i will be glad to reply with an answer or if i can't answer it i will research it and reply to your question

Masterpoint Ranks

Title Masterpoints Earned***

Rookie Fewer than 5
Junior Master 5
Club Master 20
Sectional Master 50 (5 must be silver)
Regional Master 100 (15 silver, 5 red or gold)
NABC Master 200 (50 pigmented, with at least 5 gold, 15 red or gold and
25 silver)
Life Master 300 (50 silver, 25 gold and 25 red or gold)*
Bronze Life Master 500
Silver Life Master 1000
Gold Life Master 2500
Diamond Life Master 5000
Emerald Life Master 7500
Platinum Life Master 10,000
Grand Life Master 10,000 and see below**

*A member who held no red masterpoints or fraction thereof prior to Jan. 1, 1969, is required to possess at least 50 red and gold masterpoints, of which at least 25 must be gold. Any new member or player in an inactive status for six months or more after Jan. 1, 1999, will be required to earn 50 black points to become a Life Master.

**This is the highest rank in the ACBL. It requires 10,000 masterpoints and one victory in a North American Bridge Championship with no upper masterpoint restriction or an Open Team Trials or its equivalent or a Women’s Team Trials or its equivalent or any of the following WBF events: Bermuda Bowl, Venice Cup, Rosenblum Cup, McConnell Cup, Open Pairs, Women’s Pairs, Olympiad, Women’s Team Olympiad, WBF Senior Pairs event, WBF World Swiss Teams, WBF World Mixed Teams, and WBF Senior Teams.

***Online points count towards rank advancement - however, no more than 1/3 of the requirements for a particular rank may come from online play. For example, to make Club Master requires 20 MPs - a player would need 13.33 (or more) points from face-to-face competition in addition to the 6.67 (or more) earned online - any online points over 6.67 would not count towards earning the rank.